The Wildest Year of My Life: An Initiation into Primordial Love
For the past two years, I have been on an immense journey of deep transformation and rebirth–one that not only reshaped me but also the work I am now being called to offer. Read on, and see if you, too, feel the call...
Image: Lalena Rose "Arch Rock" Plettenberg Bay, South Africa
A Year Ago, I Stood at a Crossroads
A year ago, I found myself at a crossroads. My family and I had just left the UK, driven by a deep yearning to find our true home, our tribe, and a new way of living in harmony with the land. We imagined the move to an eco-community on the southernmost tip of South Africa would be the answer to that search. On the outside, it looked perfect—everything we’d been longing for. But what followed was nothing like what we had imagined.
As soon as we arrived, the reality set in. The house we bought needed so much work that it felt unlivable. The community learning centre we hoped would support our five children turned out to be completely unsuitable. Challenges piled on—financial strain, relationship tension, and the heart-wrenching decision to send my quadruplets back to the UK to live with their father, while we remained with my eldest to continue here with the work. Our dream of creating a new life on the land seemed to crumble before our eyes, leaving me questioning everything!!
Embracing the Wild Feminine
My time on the harsh, untamed primeval coast felt like an initiation—a fierce and unrelenting one. For months, I fought against it, feeling the weight of the land pressing down on me. It was as if everything in my life was being stripped bare, layer by layer. My health, my energy, and my sense of purpose all felt heavy and drained. Yet, I came to understand that this place was holding space for me in a way that only the primordial feminine could.
“The energy of the land mirrored the fierce love of Kali—wild, raw, and destructive, but also deeply transformative.”
The energy of the land mirrored the fierce love of Kali—wild, raw, and destructive, but also deeply transformative. It wasn’t indifferent; it was pushing me, stripping away every remaining illusion and attachment that stood between me and my connection to the true source of God/Goddess/Divine Love. This disconnection and separation was the initiation—the breaking down of everything external I thought I needed, only to realise that what I was truly searching for had been within me all along.
Through this process, I came face to face with a deeper truth: the home, tribe, and sense of belonging I had been searching for could not be found externally. They could only be realised through surrender. I was called to stop seeking outside myself and to reconnect with primordial love, the source that is always within.
Coming Home to Yourself
In a moment of deep surrender, something shifted. I realised that this journey, as difficult as it had been, was exactly what I needed. This was my initiation—my own stripping down to the core so that I could guide others through their own transformations. Living on the furthest southern landmass before Antarctica felt like a deep root chakra healing, confronting my greatest fears around safety, security, and belonging. I experienced a visceral understanding that the divine love I had been searching for was not out there, but deep inside me.
And with that realisation came an aliveness I hadn’t known was possible.
This rebirth has shaped not only my personal journey but also my work. Now, with this new wisdom, I am ready to share myself with the world again, knowing that my role is to guide women to this place of oneness and surrender within themselves. I’ve come to understand that the love of the divine is the only thing that will bring true peace, love, and freedom. When we come home to our own resonance, no matter where we are, we are home.
“My role is to guide women to this place of oneness and surrender within themselves”
The Ongoing Journey
This wildest year of my life has brought me back to a truth I’d forgotten: home is not a place, but a state of being. And now, as we land back in the UK, beginning our lives once again on the land we left behind, I carry with me the profound understanding that the journey of coming home is an inward one. The love we seek is the love that we are.
For those who feel the ache of longing for something more, I invite you to join me on this path of deep self-exploration. Together, we will uncover the layers, break down the barriers, and remember that everything we’ve been searching for is already within us.
LALENA ROSE
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